Aspiring-Life

I’ve always done terribly at things I couldn’t visualize in my mind. I remember in my teens trying to learn how to skip as part of a PE class. I just couldn’t imagine how my feet would step in time without getting tangled up, which made the two-person rope even more daunting.

It wasn’t until I could practice and test it out at home that I got a feel for it, and the next time I tried it at school, my classmates who were laughing at me previously now were amazed that I was their equal or better. This seems to be a continual theme with me, I am terrible at something, then I notice something and become bad at it, then a spark happens and I am good at it.

I previously described the process of abstraction and weakening of the logic of being confident in what is reality in my previous post ‘Driving Without A Seatbelt’. I would like to give an example from my second crisis (one part of it), which was a lot less erratic than my first in terms of shifting from one ‘micro-delusion’ to the next.

This time I was relatively calm, I had gone through the disturbance stage relatively quickly which was a reinforcement of my memories of the first crisis. The ‘what if the things I could not explain were actually real’ took hold and caused me to start deeply thinking and reading into words in chats on various websites. This defective pattern matching of words I experienced, I believe was due to my love of double and triple meaning phrases and a focus on how technologies could be used in the future, and when it came to thinking how AI could be used, it made me think of how we were already being essentially controlled by the algorithms now, and I was trying to mentally fight back, now in 2026, some of my insane predictions came true and it is a weird feeling being in recovery and also reflective on that fact.

I was a lot more confident this time around, in the first crisis where I was fully withdrawn into my room, this time I ventured out into the neighbourhood, with hilarious and eye opening results. It was then that I learned how nasty to and terrified of people could be to others in crisis.

During my travels around the neighborhood in my delusional state, I started to feel the wind blowing against me, and as happened again, my model-in-flux was challenged and I abstracted the ideas again. This happened because of a thought that arose, of a lesson learned in childhood, where my teacher used to say ‘God is in the wind’. So of course I began following the wind…With the literal wind at my back I wandered the neighbourhood, changing directions, searching for meaning.

I came across a row of houses and yet another religious reference popped up. A pastor who in a sermon told us that there wouldn’t be houses in heaven for everyone. And, yes, you can guess what happened, I started to believe that there wasn’t one for me. So I began to knock on people’s doors asking if I could come in, with hilarious results, and with the police being called, who had trouble hunting down this roving madman.

This, combined with other events along my travels, made me believe that I had to work to be better. Now that I think of it, needing to learn to be better and thinking I am a terrible person seems to be a common theme of my crises.

It’s a common idea that the government knows everything about us in our highly networked modern society. So when the policeman picked me up and called my brother based off just my name and when I was taken to the hospital and the nurse asked me why I was knocking on doors I naturally was unable explain how they knew these details. Gossip seemed unlikely, I doubt the hospital computers contained details about my interaction with the police, no of course, it must have been a spirit moving from person to person who knew about me…and you can probably see now at what time I got admitted. So yes, not terrible, but bad.

As you can see logic doesn’t completely leave you when you are in a delusional state, but when you are left without enough information to form a logical conclusion, something creative or unusual fills in the gaps and changes your model of reality. Also, when you find yourself holding onto memories and quotes to give you some sense of direction, you should be careful what you ingest beforehand.